Clearing & Healing, Chaos & Creativity

The clearing away of the old to make way for the new has definitely been happening for me……on both the home and heart front…. (amidst all that is happening in our world.)

Last week, I traversed a powerhouse series of emotional healing experiences. Talk about doing some deep inner healing and clearing work, lifetimes worth in fact. Seriously, lifetimes worth.

I’m honestly still assimilating it all.   I could feel deep deep layers moving through me and knew to seek out some assistance. That led to a profound bodywork session and a cascade of multilayered connections, emotional clearings and greater awareness for me ~ before, during and after that session.. Those insights and that energy are still assimilating… My soul definitely took the lead to show me what I needed.  There was so much that I’d been juggling for so very long. For the first time in my life, I allowed it to fully drop… I let go…. Inner constriction from trying to protect loved ones had even become an unknown hernia in my body. During my healing session, I suddenly felt as if I’d swallowed a heavy rock. The pain in my upper abdomen was suddenly acute. When that happened, my modern-day shaman soul friends and energy-healing colleagues focused in on that area.  They physically and energetically helped release the energy in my body as I emotionally and physically surrendered it.  Together, we actually unraveled and shifted the hernia within the final minutes of my hour session. That part was a briefly, acutely painful process but incredibly purposeful. My body is without any pain in that area, and now my body is starting to give me a knowing little ‘tell’ right there whenever I begin to take on the emotional energy of someone else.  I’ll definitely continue being aware and attuned to this. So yeah, last week had some very….very…deep healing and clearing.

This week provided another type of clearing process for me to move through.  My “cellular” phone and computer both began having issues. I had to shift things around and eventually seek out tech support. My iCloud back ups weren’t working properly. My phone was powering off randomly, and both devices were completely full of photos. I had to go through a clearing and ordering process to get them both working properly again. Now, after several days of archiving thousands of photos and spontaneously organizing numerous documents  from years of writing, I can honestly see the benefits of why my mobile phone went wonky and my computer hard drive began flashing me incessant “full” signs… Those tech glitches were practical and energetic prompts for me to have to go through this other clearing, organizing and honing process on a practical and creative front.

Both me and my creative tools have needed some clearing and reorganizing in this first month of this new year. The fine tuning continues there. (wink, wink)

I recognize that this recent creative reorganization process has allowed me to see all the photographic and written material that I’d already created in recent years, along with all the relationships and experiences I am blessed to have co-created.

It’s all together been one of those ‘life reviews’ while living.  Now, I have an affirming sense of “Yes…I’ve been doing THIS all along…..” I have been on my own unique path and building (inner and outer) foundations for what is to come…even when I wasn’t feeling certain that I was doing anything.

AHhhhhhh…. CHAOS is part of the CREATIVE process
….and as we breathe through those moments, clear the heaviness, do our inner work, practice trust, believe in our process, continue creating and keep working at it, we do come into the eventual streamlining times of realizations arising and creations made manifest..
Chaos & Creativity….. Clearing the old and Making way for the new….This is certainly a year for all of these energies….In my own little ah-ha moment here, I feel as if I am having a tiny validating peak behind creation’s current for the moment. Perspective on my own lil’ life is giving me a renewed faith in the entire process of life. Here’s to THAT!!
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A Dream & So Much Love

SO MUCH LOVE
Perusing my writings today…. I came across this dream that I had ten days ago. It followed three weeks after a communication gone badly with a soul friend, a person who has been a catalyst in my life. I learned so much from that. I honed my core, my inner resolve, my discernment, my boundaries, my forgiveness, my strength and my authentic truth. It was painful yet purposeful.

I find I am so capable of carrying and flowing enormous love.  In life, in death, in everything, only love remains. ❤

This was a beautiful loving dream of understanding shared between each of us. Though our very human selves fumble at times, all of us, the call to truly love ourselves and share love with others is ultimate truth.  This dream felt like an acknowledgment of that. No matter what comes of this now, whether our friendship is eventually restored in fullness here or lovingly let go by each of us, Love remains. Spirits and Souls know that. I’ll trust the unfolding.

Here is my dream of my soul friend and I:

The energies flowed between us and so much was shared.

I dreamt that she was sitting at a breakfast table with me. Her hair was in soft curls and lit from behind by the morning sun. Though her eyes squinted, her presence was much softer. As I gazed at her, the sun shone golden behind her and gave a soft shadowing to her face. She wanted to connect with me. There was still a slight edge but much more softness to her.

We exchanged our views easily, and she commented that we needed a sense of closure. That was how the dream ended.

On the day of this dream I attended a funeral service for a friend’s father, and later I went with dear friends to the panel discussion “Does It Matter if Jesus Had a Wife?” at the university. Synchronicity abounded. Deep conversations were shared. I learned of a friend’s mother’s death that morning. I would learn of another mother’s death the next morning.  It is such a reminder to love while we are here.

Interestingly, my teenage daughter had had a dream just a week before of this same soul friend reuniting with me in our home. In her dream, we two were apologizing to one another, sitting on the couch talking with heartfelt focus and then “hugging it out.”

Dreams, waking moments of meaning… all of it stirs wonder.  I let go of the outcome.

There is a divine orchestration. I am honoring it, trusting and appreciating.. Behind it all is SO MUCH LOVE…..

An Archetypal Journey: Empowering the Slave

A year ago in the Fall of 2012, I was taking archetypal journeys with some of my fellow guides at the virtual spiritual retreat forum known as Sacred Circle Retreats.  SacredCircleRetreats-banner-website-tagline-centeredA small group of us were delving into our personal archetypes in the style of Caroline Myss (author of “Sacred Contracts,” “Entering the Castle” and more.)  All of us have studied Caroline’s work and a few have a real depth of knowledge in her archetypal work following certifications and personal trainings with her.

Despite this level of understanding and scholarly aptitude, none of us were probably fully prepared for the chaos to clarity that our work together would yield for each one of us.  The process reinforced a quality Sacred Circle Retreats creator, Jackie L. Robinson has quoted from Caroline Myss many times, “We need to become souls with stamina.” Well we certainly did!  There were times where the mind definitely got in the way, where we were mired in confusion or doubt, where our unconscious Saboteur felt as if it was fighting us at each turn, or where we simply weren’t ready to go to those places inside ourselves.

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On the whole though, it was a time that brought each of us to much greater wholeness withIN.  Parts of ourselves that were in need of healing and harmonizing came to the surface. Within the sacred circle of trust we shared, we each embraced these unrealized selves within.  It was a powerful experience but not an easy one.  One of my dearest friend’s on the planet said this years ago, it is so true:

“Consciousness is not for sissies.”

Consciousness will bring you face to face with everything: the good, the bad and the ugly as they say.  And yet, once we shed light on our shadows and acknowledge both our darkness and our light, we blend all the players within us into a great symphony. The shadow and light become principal dancers and our life becomes a work of art. We then are our own masterpiece of creation.

For me personally, one of our shared archetypal journeys became gut-wrenching.  It struck a core part of myself that, once owned, brought me to a place of self-compassion and Grace I’d never known before. The getting there wasn’t easy, but like we’ve said, “Consciousness is not for sissies.”

It’s not important for me to share all the gorey details.  In fact, I don’t know that I could recall them anyway. What I do remember is recognizing that there was an enormous core part of me that had gone my entire life feeling like I was wrong and that something was profoundly wrong with me.  IMG_2034In this particular archetypal session, one of our original guides, Jen Guptil (who was one of Caroline Myss’ first Sacred Contract students) helped me hone inward and feel into the archetype that was located in my 4th house. This is the place on the Sacred Contract wheel that represents ‘home’ both the home we grew up in as a child, the home we’ve created as an adult and the home inside ourselves.  Having a double Cancer as my astrological sign (sun & rising), the sign most connected to home and family, this represented an important archetype for me to know and to own.  What I was not prepared for was the anguish I felt there.  I saw shackles and chains.  I felt deep judgment and woundedness, pain, fear, doubt, uncertainty, hyper vigilance, perpetual wrongness and a hopelessness that deeply ached.  As I described what came in visions and feelings, and shared a few painful experiences from my childhood and marriage, Jen asked the other guides if they sensed what she did. Intuitively Melynnda Button our ‘Edgy Mystic’ guide said, “Yes” and lovingly encouraged me.  She said, “DeAnne this is what you’ve been waiting for.  You can do this.”  Then gently, Jen said that she felt the archetype of The Puppet or The Slave here in the house of my Home.  The Slave???  I lived the archetype of the Slave in my home?  Jen emphasized too that this was the home I had created within myself  as well. No wonder, I had dealt with such horrific self-judgment for years.  I was reeling from the feelings that errupted from deep within me.  The journey that day had plunged me into body shaking sobs.  IMG_3903It was a catharsis like none I had ever experienced in my life.  It most certainly was NOT easy.  My fellow guides “held the space” both energetically and emotionally for me to come into this awareness and for that I can never offer enough appreciation.

We are all energetic beings, and these archetypal energies are part of our very Being. We have a dozen or so that are all those inner personalities and qualities within us. Once we understand, befriend and own them, we truly are whole and Holy in a conscious way.

That day, as I was feeling raw and torn wide open, a magical and miraculous synchronicity occurred. While I was immersed in assimilating the energy of ‘the slave’, my daughter literally walked through our door after school as ‘The Queen’ wearing a golden crown on her head. What an incredible juxtaposition for mother and daughter!  IMG_2092

She was beaming with excitement and self confidence.  Her name had been drawn at her high school’s Homecoming Assembly, and she was called down in front of the entire school to receive a gift basket as part of a community service acknowledgment. It included a golden paper crown that was placed upon her head atop her lovely golden curls.  Through most of her high school years, my daughter had been more of a kind, quiet, introverted academic and art student. It was unlike the vivacious, bouncy social butterfly she had been in her early years. She was happy overall at that time, just not as empowered feeling as she had once been. Something shifted for her that day. She was “seen” in front of her peers in a public way, and she was thrilled and amazed by it all.  I was so happy for her, and I was deeply grateful that she could appreciate her experience like that. I was also thankful that she could hear of my ‘slave’ awareness with compassion and that it didn’t diminish her joy. Again, we held space for each other and our personal experiences that day.IMG_2309

Later that night, after attending my daughter’s senior high school Homecoming football game, I would continue crying alone in my room until I slept and awoke crying once more. That day provided a core catharsis and awakening.  I remembered and assimilated so many parts of myself, so many ages and stages. DeAnneI remembered the young woman who had been her high school’s valedictorian and yet always carried such a fear of being wrong. I remembered the exuberant child who was fearless. scan0004I remembered the little girl who had been empathic and watched so many adults around her not feeling free to be completely themselves while living in a wounded world. I felt that girl adopting an inner slave inside. She had lovingly learned to please others, to bring joy and to bring more emotional ease around her.  If she could help keep them happy, she wouldn’t have to feel their hidden pain or experience unpleasant emotions. Unknowingly, she had enslaved herself, allowing herself to be inadvertently puppeted by the moods and expectations of others.

The empowerment of the ‘slave’ was in recognizing that this energy was present and that there was nothing ‘wrong’ with it ~ nor with me.  I had known too as a child that I was “a happy accident”, born of teenage parents. I knew that they refused the suggestion of having an abortion and been able to be great parents creating a loving family for my brother and I.  Of course we pick up the emotional tones of our parents and families, I could often feel the places in them where they felt enslaved and imprisoned, especially  in notions of needing to be perfect in some way.  In facing this ‘slave’ archetype, this awareness freed me.  Compassion infused me – for myself and for all of us who had ‘imprisoned ourselves’ out of fear.  I also believe in my core that we have CHOICE. We create these ‘Sacred Contracts’ with family even before incarnating. Recognizing that our souls CHOOSE to learn through these archetypes and alongside the people in our lives is an empowering idea when fully embraced.  IMG_8944I read up on the attributes of ‘The Slave’ and learned that while the shadow side was “giving your willpower to an external authority out of fear of making your own choices and lacking self-authority “, the light attribute to ‘The Slave’ was to become truly free by surrendering to the Divine, the Higher Power ,with complete trust.  Those with this attribute can become true servants of the Divine.  And I now knew that I possessed this quality in the heart of my home within. It was quite an awareness to assimilate and to begin to humbly magnify through me into the world. I continue learning.

I realized later how extraordinary it was, this day that my daughter and I played out the roles of the Queen and the Slave.  It was incredulously symbolic.  That day, I “came home” to that ‘home’ of my Sacred Contract, and it all occurred on the actual day of my daughter’s senior “Homecoming” game.  That day too, she, in turn, was “coming home” to the empowered Queen within her.  The dance of the universe is indescribable at times.

There is a divine timing in it all.

One year later, I would be joining 50+ women for an inaugural Heroines Journey Retreat where we recognized the Queens in ourselves and one another. IMG_7455_2

 It appears those archetypal journeys intertwined for me and came full circle one year later.

LIFE….. what a journey it is.IMG_7434_3

DeAnne Wolfgram
~ Creator, Facilitator & Guide – Conscious Connections NOW
~ Opening  Guide at Sacred Circle Retreats

A Winged One and a Prayer

This little one gave me a memorable morning. I was sipping my coffee when I heard a loud bang at the front of the house. I knew instantly that some winged one had hit the big picture window of our  dining room. With heart-dropping trepidation, I went to look.Laying on it’s side, with dazed eyes and rapid breaths was this lovely little red finch. My heart went out to her. I dropped down onto my knees and gently scooped her up into my hands. I sat there for many tearful minutes while I gave her Reiki and warmed her shocked tiny body. As she layed there in my hands, she continued blinking and soon her body calmed and her breathing slowed. When I tried to move and get her over to the sunlight, she startled so I placed her down. I went for my camera then and took this photo.

My Little Friend: Red FinchI felt there was something memorable happening.

I sat down indoors in our study moments later when suddenly I heard a ‘meow.’ Our homestead cat had found her, but I was quicker. I calmly dashed through the front door and caught him by the scruff of the neck just as he was about to pounce on her. He melted in my arms. I hugged him and told him I loved him, but he wasn’t allowed to get her. I brought him inside the house to insure it.

Smokey
The sweet finch was on my mind and heart for a long while this morning. Every so often I looked out the window to check on her. Time and time again, I saw her still recuperating in this spot, breathing but not moving. Each time I said another prayer for this tiny one, sent loving energy and hoped. After a while, one look out the window warmed my heart. She was gone. She had recovered and flown away….I’ll never know if she goes on to live a full life or if this trauma impacted her too much. I do know I was here when she needed help and I gave the love, healing and prayers that I could. That’s all we can ever ask of ourselves – to love those who need it who are near us and who cross our paths in this life.
LOVE HEALS.
LOVE IS our natural state…..
I know love transforms trauma, grows plants, allows winged ones to fly, gives birth to babies, makes dreams come true and so much more… EVERYTHING REAL ~ LOVE IS.
Much love all, DeAnne